It took 21 months...

Well, after 21 months and all of my time devoted only to my kids, my work, and my husband, and 15 months of not feeling well, I did it and I survived! You see since the kids were born and a MOMMY was born I have done nothing for me. Recently I even had someone that I look up to and admire very much make a comment after seeing a picture of Donnie and I with the babies said "oh my you look so different with out your glasses and make up on." That day I realized just how much I had let myself go and vowed that I would always go out and to work with make up on and myself put together more like my old self, even though I am not the same person. I know that in no way did she say that to make me feel bad or hurt my feelings, it was just a wake up call. I go one time a month to the mothers of multiples club and one other time my sister n law watched the kids on a weekday and I went out of the house on my own. I love my kids with all my heart and soul and waited my whole life and twelve of the fifteen years of marriage to be a mom and when it happened I felt so complete, finally. I have had very little help. The first year when I went to work we had all volunteer help to keep the kids while we worked. It was all on the weekend and the other five days of the week I was home and/or Donnie was home. Donnie and I have got to run and grab a quick bite to eat when mamaw and papaw was here but that usually is about a hour. We did last year go out to dinner and a movie for our anniversary, other then that I go to work and home. I love being a mom. I wish I could be a stay at home mom. I have had a couple of really bad days and this afternoon at the very perfect moment I was in tears and Amy called me and asked me "how today was?" It has been a pretty ruff couple of weeks as the kids have not been sleeping very well and most of all Alli. Emma and Nate have for sometime had what I think are night terrors and wake up screaming and until they are completely awake they scream. Sometimes it is a couple of minuets and other times it takes a good bit. Once they are awake they will usually go back to sleep and under thirty minuets all is back in bed and that is that till morning. Alli has been the best sleeper since they started sleeping through the night. We have always just put them to bed after being sung to nightly and cover them up with their ever so important silky blankets each in their own way and style. You see they each like the blankets a certain way, one with the blanket laying flat and the silky part up and she lays on top of it with the top two corners folded over her tummy but not her legs and feet covered and the little blankie on the right side of her face but not touching her, one tucked only on one side with the silky part next to his face and the rest the length of his body and the small blankie folded to where the writing is on top so he can rub it, and one keeps hers over her with the silky side touching her face on one side and the little blankie on the opposite side of her face. The bed time routine has changed a bit as they have grown but not much. We start out by doing diapers, brushing, jamies, book, teeth, sing, tell Jesus night and we have now started teaching them how to make the sign of the cross. All at once in the last two weeks Alli has started waking up screaming and as soon as I pick her up she stops crying and I will rock her a bit and go to put her in bed and if she has gone back to sleep or if she is calm but awake as soon as you start to put her back in bed it starts all over again. I am at a loss! I did talk to the pediatrician's office and the nurse felt as though it was possibly night terrors. Not to mention the broken sleep and the periods with her crying when I have tried to let her self sooth has taken it's toll on me. I spent Monday on the phone for long periods of time with the insurance company and her up, and Nate up and they didn't nap well and by the time Amy called me this afternoon I was in tears when she asked me those little words. Since Alli did not nap well and crying at even Nate or Emma looking at her, it was just it. I just wished they were gone for a bit, not that I would ever touch my kids, I was just overwhelmed and when I said that to Amy I immediately felt overwhelmed with guilt. I have of course had bad/trying days in twenty one months just none to where I just wished they were gone for a bit. I know I have never written about many if any bad days but yes our house is a normal house and we have bad days also. Amy said I will come and get them if you will let me take them for a bit. At that moment I needed it so bad! So I am sure she flew as fast as she could before I changed my mind. I hate for them to be away from me and they have not been in the car with anyone else since the first day I went back to work after they came home from the hospital. I was very nervous but yet felt like I could breath just for a minuet. They went out to eat and then played at Amy and Scott's for a bit and they were in their jamies when they got home and ready to just get in bed. I feel really guilty but really have tried not to think much about it. To me not feeling well, I have had extreme pressure in my abdomen since the babies were about five months old. After being blown off by a couple of doctors after my family doctor left family practice and a couple of other things happen with in that office I finally changed doctor's this summer and he immediately started lab work and tests. After the hurry up and wait between the different test and the pressure turning to pain here we are today and on Thursday I see a surgeon to hopefully have my gallbladder taken out. My family doctor and the gi specialist strongly feel after many test and a family history of the women in my family having gallbladder disease and the problem beginning not after just a pregnancy but a triplet pregnancy that this is the problem. So come Thursday hopefully I will know if I could be on the way to hopefully feeling better. Sorry for the novel but as you can tell I have had a couple of bad days. Thanks Amy for calling at the right time for a weak spot to surface! Thanks Scott, Katlyn and Nicholas for giving up your evening to spend it with three toddlers.